𝐍𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐣𝐨 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐄𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐚𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐦 𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐫: 𝑴𝒚 𝑷𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝑺𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒚

 Naranjo and the Self-Preservation Enneagram 4:

Hey guys. This is a collection of notes I have taken from the Enneagram Four Book, or more specifically, a translation of Envidia Abnegados, Odiadores Y Melancolicos by Claudio Naranjo. At the end of each chapter, I have added some personal notes, stories, anecdotes, and how I relate to the book. This was mainly a means of me trying to understand the subtype better, but I thought that maybe making these notes public can be of use to others.

Hopefully this helps people understand the SP4 subtype, and maybe my personal anecdotes may help illustrate some more real-life, grounded examples to supplement your understanding. While I am not the largest fan of Claudio Naranjo as a person (look at his various scandals), the E4 book has fundamentally helped bring awareness to my deepest self, my tendencies, and has helped to develop compassion for others, and myself. At the time of writing this, I am 27 years old, so I have a long ways to go in order to mature. But hopefully, this proves to be a good enough first step in that direction, and I hope this helps you as much as it helped me.

I originally thought that "enneagram fundemntalism" was annoying, and people who strictly relied on Naranjo were people who really didn't go out of their way to touch grass. When I read Naranjo's "Character and Neurosis" I wasn't too impressed either, as I found the language utilizied too abstract and flowery (like a university student trying to reach the word count on an essay), or Naranjo would get... too fixated on sexual undertones, akin to Freud. However, I found his type specific books such as Envidia Abnegados, Odiadores Y Melancolicos to be a large improvement. After being typed as an Enneagram Four, or more specifically a SP4, and originally thought I was being called whiny. This has done a lot for me to come to grips with my type, and my coping mechanisms.

Before reading, I would like to give a disclaimer that this is a long read. I got a Bachelor's Degree in History, and I work in a law firm dealing with legal documents, so a good portion of my life has been centered around writing and reading long pages of text. But detail is important, and I did my best to summarize Naranjo into easier bite-sized components, with adding my own experiences to supplement that knowledge (for both my help and yours).

Hopefully this helps you in some way.

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(Link or the "Hero's Shade" from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, and Twilight Princess. With his depiction in Twilight Princess, this is an individual that harbours lots of resentment towards the world for forgetting his trials and contributions to humanity, as a result of being sent back to his childhood, his own time. After his death, he was unable to pass on until he found someone else, "The Hero of Twilight" to recognize his accomplishments, skills, and to recognize him as the warrior he was. He could not see the value of who he was in himself, and needed others to find it for him. I find this archetype to be a fitting example of how the neurosis of the SP4 can lead the individual to a lifetime of self-imposed suffering and isolation, if not dealt with in a healthy manner). 

Chapter One: Passion in the Sphere of the Instinct: How Envy Works in the SP4

    The passion of the Enneagram 4 is envy, or, the comparison between yourself and other people. The E4 believes that they lack something that is intrinsic with other people. However, in comparison to the SO4 and SX4, the SP4 is the countertype. This means that despite having the same core passion as the SO4 and SX4, the Self-Preservation E4 rejects their sense of envy. They internalize their emotions, and do not express themselves. This can make it exceedingly difficult for the SP4 to recognize that the passion of envy drives them in their decision-making processes.

    This is because when the passion of envy is influenced by a dominant self-preservation instinct, makes it so the SP4 deems that suffering, and withstanding punishment, becomes their core survival mechanism. The SP4 is unable to get what they want from people by asking, so they instead indirect seek support and recognition through their effort, their ability to handle punishing circumstances without complaining. Asking for things requires being dependent to the other, and therefore, vulnerable. In short, the SP4 now runs the risk of being denied their needs. To them, having their needs rejected by the other is more painful than simply going without. So the SP4 will internalize their desires and inhibit them, telling themselves that they have "not earned the right" to have these desires.

    As a result of troubling circumstances in childhood, the SP4 prioritizes their physical well-being and survival above all else, even above social and emotional needs. As a result, the SP4 knows what it needs and uses tenacity and effort to overcome obstacles, regardless of the social and emotional consequences to themselves. This is why, in contrast to the SO4 and SX4 (which are characterized by melodrama and hostile competition), the SP4 is not starkly melodramatic and competitive, they are foremost driven by a need for effort and tenacity.

    Above all else, the SP4 wants to be seen as a determined friend, family member, and a committed person that will go above and beyond the call of duty. However, out of these acts being simply out of good will, it is to foster a poor sense of self-esteem, and to alleviate the guilt of wishing vengeance on their original caretakers for not considering their needs. To the SP4, their need to endure suffering comes from their relationship with the parent(s), or their perception of that relationship. To them, they need to persevere without complaining to best serve their parent's needs. Through their effort to serve, they hope to establish a bond with that parental figure, that their tenacity and efforts will prove fruitful, and will prevent the "other" from attacking, abandoning, or withdrawing their love to the SP4. That is the Self-Preservation E4s greatest fear. So their effort and tenacity is a method to indirectly ask for their support and recognition, without asking directly and risking them having a negative emotional reaction. This is even more-so the case, if the parent figure is a terrifying presence.

    This goes in-hand with one of the coping strategies of the SP4, diminishing their own accomplishments and feats, at least when they have to compare to another person directly. When fostering a bond with someone, the SP4 will often times act "smaller," gives up his rights to the other, and subordinates himself to a supporting/secondary role. This is so the SP4 can employ effort and tenacity to secure recognition from the other, and to decrease the risk of being "attacked" by authority. Of course, the SP4 is going to be internally frustrated and, at times, infuriated. But remember, physical safety and security is most important to the Self-Preservation E4, even at the cost of emotional and social well-being. So the SP4 will choose to keep these emotions repressed in order to protect themselves from the hostile repercussions of being open with their emotional needs.

    This goes back to their relationship with their parental figure(s). The SP4 child learns early on that being privy to a parent's suffering and anguish is a means of which to secure a bond with them, and to receive recognition, love and affection. This is because the SP4 feels valued in being privileged enough to have access to this information, and to have a place in where they belong. Unfortunately, this can turn them into unpaid counsellors, who are aware of their parent's emotional turmoil and sometimes too far young an age to be aware of it in the first place. The SP4 might develop themselves quickly from childhood as a result of these experiences.

Author's Notes (Chapter One)

    So almost immediately, I found myself deeply relating to how the E4's passion of envy is directly affected by a dominant self-preservation instinct. When I first got typed as an Enneagram 4 by Rusted Typology, I found myself being dumbfounded at the result. I did not see the passion of envy at all in myself, my actions, and how I made decisions. I did recognize the deeply introverted, and at times anxious tendencies in myself, which is why I initially typed as an Enneagram 5 and 6 for the longest time. In fact, I almost felt insulted for being called an Enneagram Four. My knowledge of subtypes (and even Naranjo) was limited at this point, so I just associated E4s as being melodramatic and prone to complaining constantly. I was vulnerable in my answers to questionnaires, so when that was the feedback I've gotten, I reacted strongly (internally).

    However, envy has been a huge part of myself, even when I could not see it. From my youngest years, I would remember feeling extremely lonely. It's not that people did not like me. I never had many enemies, and most people seemed to like me. But rather, it felt that there was this massive barrier keeping me from meaningfully communicating with other people. It felt like I was left out in the cold, and I would be peering through windows into a house, watching a family eating dinner together, smiling. This perception made me feel that I did not belong with others, and that I would be forced to watch them being happy until I earned my place.

    Of course, earning my place requires effort, perseverance and sacrifice. If I could outperform and sacrifice more than others, than people might notice me? It meant that I felt people needed me, so I needed to be the person that remains committed no matter what, because if I falter, what distinguishes me from others? Why would anyone give me the time of day? But at the same time, if I simply ask for a place to belong, that person might just lock me out forever. So I need them to come to the conclusion on their own, that I'm special and worth keeping around because of my ability to endure.

    I would remember that whenever my mother would speak about my behaviours growing up, she would always say that I was exceptionally quiet. I did not complain much, I made things "easy" for her (in comparison to my younger brother), and I was a sort of "confidant" that she could open up to. Even now, when she is telling me that, I felt a sense of pride. She is recognizing how useful I was, and how I was able to persevere when others couldn't. In addition, her opening up to me about her life story, trials, etc, demonstrated to me that I had an important place in her life. She was not just saying that I was special, it was evident in her actions. So even when I was young, I was aware of how my mother was exceptionally lonely, how her relationship with her own parents was cold and detached (she was adopted and estranged from her family), her troubled relationship with my father, her being stressed-out raising my younger autistic brother alone, etc. Her describing her experiences and anguish was a means to cement my value in the family.

    Of course, internally I guess I became very resentful, even if I did not notice my feelings at the time. I was jealous of my brother, who seemed to get the attention from my parents without having to work for any of it. I did not really realize until recently, when I went on a trip to visit my father in Vancouver. The topic of conversation was often on my brother, and I would spend a large amount of time visibly irritated with my brother. About how we was emotional all the time, expected everyone to deal/work around his issues, about how I spent a lot of time growing up prioritizing him, etc. It was only until after I got back, I thought "...huh, maybe I do have some things I needed to work out with myself."

    I was also resentful of my mother to a certain extent, and the deepest part of me wished that she would recognize how much I contributed and gave up. One of my most signiifcant memories was when I was sitting in the back of the car, on my way home from school in the 3rd/4th grade. My younger brother was getting bullied, and was not receiving the proper social supports at the elementary school we both attended. Whereas with me, I had friends and faculty I considered family. But it would have been unfeasible for my mother to have the two of us at two seperate schools. So what did I do? I internalized my desire to keep my friends, and did not protest when we switched schools. The behaviour would repeat itself when my mother decided to remarry, and we moved from Vancouver to Northern Alberta. It would require me leaving all my friends and family behind, but my mother finally had a chance to be happy, so I did not protest when our family left everything behind and moved away. 

    An image I would never forget was looking through the back window of the car, leaving my father behind on the road when I moved away. Just watching him until he sank into the road as our car went foward. There was nothing I could besides watch, and I remember my brother crying, but I did my best to hold everything back. My mother already probably felt terrible, on account of my brother. I didn't need to add to her pain. In addition, despite my relationship with my father, I felt guilty, angry, etc. Why does life keep asking me to go through with this? Why me? But I swallowed all those things, in the hopes that my mother and brother would recognize my value, despite how much it hurt. When my father would talk to me over the phone in subsequent years about his depression, I felt like it was my fault. There were times where I went to sleep after talking with him, pondering that if I said the wrong thing, he might have ended it. That was a dream I frequently had, and him blaming me for that was one of my greatest fears. 

    With my family in Northern Alberta, I felt that if I complained or brought up my own needs, I would have betrayed my family in a way. I would no longer have that place os security, or would not be recognized as someone special, or reliable. So when I read through the E4 book, it cemented something in me that I always knew was there, but could never properly articulate. I was not sacrificing and persevering because I wanted to simply "do the right thing," I wanted to secure that love, affection, and physical security from people, in where I felt that without my ability to withstand pressure, it would not have been given to me otherwise.

    

Chapter Two: The Characteristic Neurotic Need - Tenacity

(Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games trilogy. Often typecasted as a stoic "badass," Katniss is a deeply sensitive and emotional person, it is just those feelings are internalized and directed inwards. After her father's death in a mining explosion at 11 years old, her mother fell into a deep depression, and Katniss no longer trusted her mother to provide for her own security)

    The neurotic need of the Self-Preservation Enneagram Four is tenacity. First and foremost, the SP4 seeks to be seen as special, of service, and needs affection and love just as anyone does. But from early childhood, the SP4 felt that they did not get sufficient support from their parental figure(s). To recieve the love and recognition they desire, the SP4 uses tenacity and effort, more specifically, they become the person who can withstand long-periods of suffering, and the person who knows how to perserve in the face of obstacles. This effort allows the SP4 to stand out, to be recognized, and to demonstrate their value to others, why they have a right to exist. Importantly, the SP4 starts out their life with a poor sense of self-esteem, but then believe through effort and tenacity, gives them the right to belong. 

    This tenacity is fueled and created by an active declaration of never giving up. To accomplish this, strength, ability to resist, and silencing emotions are all valued in order to foster perseverance. It is akin to keeping a campfire fueled with tinder. The unfortunate reality of the situation though, is that securing the affection of one person is never going to be enough, as the goal is securing the affection of everyone. This is an impossible task, of course. This is going to make the SP4 eternally frustrated, and constantly on a search of enduring to secure affection, with no clear end in sight. To make things worse, then the SP4 is praised, they are going to automatically dismiss or diminish their accomplishments. 

    The reason for this is because of their critical-conscience, which is formed as a result of the SP4's drive to do more, and to pursuit greater effort in order to win the affection of others. According to their own critical conscience, nothing is ever good enough. As a result, the Self-Preservation 4 is going to lack an internal framework in which to judge their accomplishments, feats, and to assess their own potential. It's always going to be affected by their own negative self-criticism. Because of this lack of a way to derive their own value themselves, this is why they seek out the positive validation from other people. 

    However, whatever positive feedback the SP4 recieves is going to be disregarded because of their critical-conscience, and then the cycle continues. This loop only ceases to continue when the SP4 realizes that their search for affection through tenacity is a never-ending cycle, and it's not love. Effort and tenacity alone won't lead to peace. 

Personal Reactions, Stories, and Anecdotes (Chapter Two)

   The SP4's focus on tenacity was something I already knew before delving into enneagram subtypes, so there was nothing much to learn here, at least in comparison to the first chapter. However, I still found Naranjo's descriptions accurate to my past experiences. Tenacity, and enduring without complaining, was used as a tool to secure affection, relational-stability, and love. But at the same time, I wanted people to recognize my suffering without myself having to state it out loud. It made communication very difficult, because demonstrating my feelings left me vulnerable to potential criticism. So in many cases, I found myself "dancing around" asking for love and acceptance. I wanted to earn it through my capacity to push through anything. 

    To highlight experiences outside of my home life, I'll talk about my work experiences and school. Starting with school, I made it a point to keep my home life completely seperate from my life at school. Therefore, my friends and teachers would never hear about the things that went on at home. My family being effectively homeless and being forced to squat inside someone's home while they were on vacation, my father being involved with gangs, my stepfather struggling with alcoholism and everytime I came home, there would be a screaming match between my mother and him, etc. My friends never knew anything about it. Those experiences were personal, and important to me. If I spoke out, then my self-image of me being strong enough to get through these things, would fall apart. 

    The worst thing that I could imagine, is me opening up to my friends, and they reply by saying that I'm being "oversensitive" and overemotional. So I preferred the pain of isolation over exposing myself to that line of attack. But there was always some small part of me that wanted my friends to know somehow, maybe they could understand me better? I just could never say it myself. I had a circle of friends, but we never felt... close. Or at least, I didn't. Because to get close to my friends, I needed to let them know what was going on in my personal life. But how would they react? Would they call me a basket-case? Would they feel like they need to tip-toe around me? Would they consider me weak, and not the person they thought I was? I didn't want that. So I always kept a distance. Put up walls. I wanted my actions to do the talking, so I didn't have to. 

    But most of the time, I just felt frustrated, angry, and honestly, jealous.. But mostly angry. Why did everyone else have friends, and feel like they can talk about anything? It must come so easy to them. I took martial arts, went to therapy for a few months (before leaving), all in an effort to address this sense of being angry all the time. At work, sometimes if I see a person smiling too much, or acting cheerful, there is nothing I want to do more than pull that person over the counter and knock them senseless. It drove me mad. Other times, I was just tired. 

    I didn't know it until recently, but that was the passion of envy. Comparing myself to others, and then compensating for those percieved defeciencies. Tenacity and enduring struggle is how I get value as a human being, but when I see people achieve the same with far less effort, what reasonable alternative is there for me, than to feel pissed off? It feels like life for some people, is handed to them on a silver platter, whereas I have to fight for every scrap I have. I know now that is an arrogant assumption of the "other" on my part, and I apologize (somewhat). But it's hard for me not to feel that way when I observe people in passing. 

    This extended physically too. I almost never stayed home sick, and I maintained a nearly perfect-attendance. This was not because I particularly cared about grades, though I was on honour-roll, but it was just and affect of not allowing myself to appear weak or dependent. During gym class (which I stayed in until graduation), I would push myself as hard as I could, and sometimes be overconfident with how much my body could take. One day, I came back home with shin splints on both of my legs, being barely able to walk without feeling like my legs were snapping in half. But I still attended school and gym class. I remember one of my acquaintances pointed out that I was being "overdramatic" and that stung. To be perfectly honest, I wanted to slug him for that comment. At the time I didn't know why, but getting that feedback irked me; him calling me "whiny," it hurt more than the double shin-splints. It sounds stupid, but it is the honest truth. 

    Now I know it is because he brought attention to my physical weakness, and more importantly, he had a negative emotional reaction. He didn't see it as valuable, but something to point out and criticize, this is something "bad" in me. That is why I had a knee-jerk reaction to knock his teeth out, but I took a deep breath and kept my feelings to myself. 

    At work, this would also become an issue. When I started my first job at 16 years-old at a retail store, my first boss was incredibly harsh, and strict (multiple employees left because of her tactics). At the start, going to work made me physically ill. Nothing I did was ever good enough, and no matter how hard I worked, it felt like I would never win the approval of my manager. Eventually, we both understood each other, and worked well together after a few years. Despite my rocky start, and the challenges of working in a retail store, I stayed there for nearly 4 years. But I remember being called in to work on my days off regularly because other employees would "call-in sick" because they were getting high. I remember feeling intensely angry, but I would almost always respond yes whenever someone called for my help. 

    My next job was as a shop-hand, where I would be responsible for maintaining the facilities of a wirelining/ engineering shop. One of my tasks, was to help coworkers load perforating "guns," which are explosives they send down the wells to extract oil out of the ground. These explosives were encased in steel, and weighed (when loaded) over 75 lbs each, in stacks of around 100 at a time, that you need to load onto pallets by hand. Often times, I would work myself to the point of heat exhaustion to get everything done, and I would usually do it myself. During the winter months, I would walk to the shop after my teaching courses, and I would refuse to ask for a ride. It's my problem if I don't drive, nobody else's. Problem was, I walked through a snow storm to get to work one afternoon, and I froze my right ear completely solid. Didn't know until I walked through the office, and my boss let me know. 

"Uhh, Taylor. Your ear is white."
"Oh."

I worried about how calm I was, because well let's not kid ourselves here, I was close to losing it. If it turned black, I would need to get it amputated, and live the rest of my life looking like some victim of a bar fight gone south. But luckily it swelled..., but thawed. I bandaged it up, and went to work. My boss called me an "idiot," and I wasn't about to argue with him. But to me, asking for help and being percieved as "dependent," would be far worse than any injury I could take.

    And between you and me, to this day people who smile too much for no reason, still piss me off. But I like to think I'm getting better. But I'll get to that in the appropriate chapter. 

Chapter Three: Interpersonal and Associated Irrational Ideas

(Gwen Stacy/ Spider-Woman from Into the Spiderverse and Across the Spiderverse. After losing her mother early on her life, Gwen puts up walls to protect herself, projecting an image outwards that appears far more confident than she actually is. Internally though, she is an extremely vulnerable and emotional person..Her turmoil in the second film is debating on whether she should tell Miles about his "canon event," and risk a negarive emotional reaction that would result in him withdrawing his love for her. Gwen also states that she does her best to wear the mantle of a vigilante, in a way that her father would be proud of her. She is unable to find that recognition in herself, and needs her father's approval to feel at ease). 

    The interpersonal strategies of the Self-Preservation Enneagram 4 are going to center around four central pillars: submission, victimhood, sadomasochism, and persecution. Submission is not really about complete submission to another, but rather, it is all about inhibiting outward expression in order to please the other person, to gain their affection. This tactic is used to avoid a potential negative emotional response from the other, who could possibly withdraw/take back their love and affection, if the SP4 expresses themselves in an "unacceptable" way. 

    The fixation of the SP4 is false-lack. This is an integral aspect to this subtype, as it has them devalue the present, their actions, and accomplishments; all in an effort to convince themselves that they need to do more, to commit to more effort. False-lack is used to fuel the SP4's passion for tenacity, and gives them a narcassistic pleasure because of knowing how much effort they are committing to a single action, and knowing they are gaining knowledge to sustain further sacrifice.  The SP4 idealizes themselves to be an individual who can handle punishment, and who has the endurance to persevere without complaining, and so needs to sustain a sense of false-lack in order to find things to commit to. If the SP4 were to complain about their problems, their self-sustained image would crumble, and they would be left with nothing but their sense of false-lack.

    To draw upon the fact that the SP4 relies on tenacity to indirectly ask for the love of the other, it makes this subtype develop an intense fear of competition. If the SP4 were to compete directly and lose, they risk losing the love and affection of the person they are seeking attention from. This cannot happen, so instead this is why the SP4 will opt for submission, and to devalue their accomplishments and actions. This way, they won't be percieved as a threat to the other. It is easier for the SP4 to withdraw, than to compete and lose. The actions of the SP4, because of their need for physical safety and security above all else, require a positive return in order for them to invest time and effort. Tenacity, in the eyes of the SP4, gives the positive return of making themselves valuable in the eyes of the other. Tenacity/ effort = Value. Whereas direct competition, leaves you potentially open and vulnerable. Even if you win the competition, the loser might withdraw their love. It's plain risk assessment, and tenacity is noticeably less risky, despite the potential emotional and social consequences.

    Dependency is the greatest fear of the SP4. Dependency leaves the individual open to having their needs rejected, which hurts the SP4 far more than any injury or emotional repression. So, simply, the Self-Preservation E4 will almost never ask for help, because help brings the risk of the other saying "no." Independence is everything to these types, because it is how they feel safe. Asking for help, and revealing your physical weaknesses could result in these types losing relationships they hold dear. So often times, the SP4 will not tell people what they truly think, or how they truly feel; in an effort to preserve their independence, or to be more specific, to prevent dependence on others. This is a form of relational manipulation. Repressing their emotions in the face of the other, allows them to grant "the other" a position of authority over themselves, who can tell the SP4 whether their actions were "right" and "wrong." They can now recieve the recognition of the other through this, and they will repeat this tactic with most people they meet, or seek to get closer to. 

    In summary, the Self-Preservation Enneagram Four is afraid of distinctly two things. They fear that the people close to them will judge their effort as being not signficiant, or "good." The other is that they fear someone special to them withdrawing their love and affection. This hurts these types more than any injury, emotional repression or effort. So these types use submission to decrease the risk of this happening, or will even break off relationships/ not pursue them in order to protect themselves from becoming dependent on others. "On my own, I manage better."

    The three most important self-defence mechanisms for the SP4 are introjection, retroflection, and projection. 

Introjection: When an individual takes something that exists external to oneself, and incorporates it into their psyche. Writh the SP4, how they are felt about by another person (loved or hated) becomes a part of their psyche. They are unable to distinguish their feelings and assumptions of themselves, from the assumptions of others. Usually this happens early on, with the rejection of one or both of their parental figures.

Retroflection: What happens when the SP4 turns against himself, what he would like to put onto others. The SP4 harbours resentment and anger towards other because of their underlying frustration. But instead of directing them outwards, it is directed internally via the form of self-hatred. In cases where the SP4 needs to direct their anger at somebody, they can’t. They are afraid of how it might be perceived, and they don’t want that love to go away, or be withdrawn. So directing it inwards prevents the SP4's emotions from being negatively recieved, and for them to keep that secure connection with the other.

Projection: Occurs when the SP4 rejects qualities, feelings and desires that he deems cannot be found in himself, because he finds them negative. Instead, the SP4 will project them onto others. Their “internal critic” will then be found in the people around them. The SP4 will then try to anticipate the criticisms that other people (who now are replicas of their critical conscience) might throw at them, in an effort to keep the connection between them well-maintained, safe, and secure.

Author's Notes (Chapter Three)    

    This chapter helped bring awareness to the concept of "submission" to the other. This aspect of myself has always felt weird, and it the primary reason why I self-typed as an Enneagram 6 for a long time. Lots of people assume (at a surface level glance) that I can be a bit of an asshole, and deliberately put up walls to keep people out, and that's true to a certain extent. With most people that I have an apathetic relationship with, I can be a bit protective over my privacy, feelings, what I think/feel about things, etc. But with people that I assign to be symbols of authority, like my bosses at work, parental figures, etc. I oftentimes feel that a large part of me will "submit" to them. Not in a way that necessarily means I pledge "alleigance" to them, but to prevent negative emotional reactions, that can violate my physical well-being and sense of security. 

    It's actually a part of myself that I always knew was there, and it's probably the aspect I'm most ashamed and frustrated by. There are so many things the people in my life do that piss me off, but I can't vocalize my feelings because, what will happen when I do? My current (and likely former in a few weeks) boss is a terrible manager. He is disorganized, promises things to customers that he has no intention of completing in a timely manner (and leaves the disgruntled customers to be my problem), leaves the store a mess for me to clean up, has only given me a 50 cent raise in the past 5-6 years, and I had to find out the store was closing through a Facebook post (he didn't inform me beforehand). So most of the time, I am deeply frustrated, and resentful of that treatment. But this job, while it does not pay the best, and the conditions are somewhat lacking, it gives me a steady flow of income. Some stability in my life. What happens if I do anything to threaten that? Is everytime I see him in the future going to be a wild-card in how it plays out? Or do I just endure the treatment, because at least it's predictable, and he does not get angry (most of the time). 

    To me, it's risk-assessment. To me, it's easier to endure whatever this is, then risk losing a relationship. I'm not going to be super cheery or agreeable, but I'm going to just present a neutral front. I won't give too many details about myself away. But it's all to preserve that sense of stability and security. I'm not looking to dissociate from life, but I don't want people to know the "real-me" in case they are not going to like what that looks like. Lots of the time, I'll do my best to cut those conversations short, or to present a completely milquetoast answer so they'll be satisfied and go away. 

"What are your political opinons about (insert topic here?)"
"I don't think about it that much"

    If someone asks me how I feel about something at work, I'll usually just respond that "I haven't thought that much about it." At work, if a customer asks what video games I play, I'll respond by saying "I just go home and stare at the wall." If someone asks how I'm doing, I'll just say "I'm fine" (even if I'm not). I have opinions and feelings concerning all these topics, but I would rather just remain neutral than spark unecessary attention. If someone takes interest in me, that means every time there is a conversation with them, I feel I have to "dance around them" so-to-speak. I know it sounds stupid, but it's a lot of effort. So often times, I would much rather cut a potential relationship short, than have to worry about all that. I spend a lot of time assessing my emotions, my rationale, my life goals, etc. But to others, I usually describe myself as "not all that interesting." The less people know about me, the less dependent I am on those people. I'd rather my actions speak for itself.

    A partially insignificant quote I found relatable was from the Hunger Games. When Peeta attempts to get to know Katniss more, she instrinctually puts up a wall. Katniss is a deeply emotional and introsepctive person, and has a deep internal world. But you wouldn't recognize that from a surface-level glance. This is intentional on Katniss' part, because not allowing people to get close, decreases the potential dependency, and the potential of those people not accepting her for who she truly is. 

  Peeta:  "All I know about you is that you are stubborn and good with a bow."
  Katniss:   "That about sums me up-"

    Then it became clear to me that this is just a repeated behaviour from my relationships growing up. In an uncertain enviornment, or at least according to Maslow's hierachchy of needs, physical safety comes first. If a certain relationship brings security, then the rationale thing to do is to endure whatever happens, because tenacity is less painful (and effort is more meaningful) than cutting short physical safety. It's likely the reason why I stay at jobs for long periods of time, even when upper management is uncaring. Security and safety matters to me the most, and if being special i(through tenacity) n the eyes of the other grants me that security, then that's the role I'll play. Of course, this isn't going to leave me very happy in the long run. Your body has a way of keeping count of transgressions, and that frustration tends to leak out in inappropriate times. Despite lots of people thinking I'm calm and collected, internally I feel constantly on edge. Not because I'm anxious, but because it feels like that resentment keeps building up with no outlet. 

    

Chapter Four: Other Characteristic Features and Psychodynamic Considerations

(Prince Ashitaka from Princess Mononoke, who I believe is an Self-Preservation E4. Despite the anguish of being permanently banned from his village, forbidden to ever return for the simple cost of saving his family, Asitaka allows very little emotion to emit from the surface. He accepts his role willingly, almost with a cold detachment. Any other individual might feel understandably angry, resentful, and depressed of never having getting to see his family again. Ashitaka undoubtably holds those feelings (he is only human), but internalizes them to act in service to others, and to a higher ideal of peace. Throughout his journey, Ashitaka undergoes severe physical punishment and employs tenacity to see his goals through). 

Naranjo outlines the main and secondary trait structures as follows -

• Self Demand and Perfectionism
• This self demand feeds on tenacity, and requires more and more of it to feel fufilled. It is accompanied by self-hatred and frsutration. Tenacity is used to accomplish a task, and frustration makes it so that no amount of effort is ever enough to feel satisfied. 
• Empathy
• Great sensitivity and empathy; able to communicate in silence and completely understand a person. Suffering is a means to create a bond with someone, and the SP4 will often see fragments of themselves in the other's anguish, and have a deep understanding of these feelings as a result of creating self-support coping mechanisms. 
• Difficulty Accepting Limits
• The tenacity of the SP4 is greedy, and takes no precaution to how much individual resources the individual might have to accomplish a task. It believes that it can take on anything itself, and that the answer is just simply more effort. Of course, this means that the SP4 has a very difficult time asking for help, because that would mean the SP4 has to openly display their weakness, and therefore diminish their value. 
• Masochistic Attitude
•  Poor self-esteem, and the belief that they don't deserve good things unless they earn them first, usually makes the SP4 tolerate poor physical conditions, and even poor relationships (romantically and socially). These types feel a deep need to belond to anything, and will tolerate a lot without imposing limits. 
• Refinement 
• A deep (often hidden) sensitivity. Usually as a form of self-comfort, the SP4 recognizes the beauty in their physical spaces, and like to be refined. Like to be seen as people with good taste. Related to having a self-preservation instinct, SP4s like to have their security and comfort provided for by themselves. 
• Caregiver of Others; Helpful and Welcoming
• The SP4 seeks belonging and acceptance through tenacity and perseverance. So this effort is going to be directed at being of significant assistance to close friends and family. While these types may be emotionally rigid, they try to make up for it by taking on far more effort than what is often necessary.
• Stoic, Cares Little for Hedonism
• Awards and affection that are not won through hard work, perseverance, and tenacity are worth little to the Self-Preservation E4. So meaning is going to sought after by accomplishing goals that lead towards something, and through action. In short, pleasure has to be obtained through goal-setting. Despite this, the SP4 will always find some small ways to enjoy themselves, usually on their own. But the SP4 gains just as much pleasure from action and accomplishing objectives through perseverance, so you'll see the latter far more than someone who is comfort-seeking at all times.
• Skilled at Finding Resources; Decisive Creativity
• The SP4 is not a person who gives up at a task, and values finding a way through. This often leads to SP4s being able to come up with creative solutions using the resources they have, or seeing alternative paths that lay in front of them. 
• Good at Healing/Motivating/Compelling Others to Carry On
• Is skilled at helping others gain the energy and motivation to continue on living, and giving close ones the sense that they are of value. This is a result of them having that need to be accepted, recognized, and valued; and so know how to speak to others in such a way that highlights this. Despite a cold exterior, can make you a good therapist. 
• Dry in Tenderness with Others. Difficulty Expressing Tenderness
• Despite acting in service of others, the SP4 will very rarely engage in outright loving gestures, even being ashamed of them. This is because wearing their emotions on their sleeve suggests dependency on others, which can leave you vulnerable to negative emotional reactions. 
• Has a Difficulty in Confronting Authority
• The SP4 will often differ their opinions onto others, or repress them. This is not because the SP4 does not hold strong feelings on these topics, but confrontation can lead to negative emotional withdrawl from others, which then can lead to the SP4 having their love deprived from them. 
• Rigidity
• Constantly on the alert, attentive to what is happening, and always coming up with methods to prevent and react to scenarios. This can be perhaps tied to the SP4s need to be of service, and to be recognized as special amongst close ones. They are always looking for opportunities to sacrifice in service to a greater cause, and to prevent negative emotional reactions towards their tenacity before they occur.
• Will Save Resources Just in Case
• Because the Self-Preservation Instinct is dominant in this subtype, the SP4 will always try to have more resources acquired than what is typically needed. This is to prevent them from being "without" in any absolute terms. Remember that the SP4 prioritizes safety and security above all else, and potentially running out of resources during an emergency runs counter to that objective. 
• Ties the Worth of a Reward to the Degree of Challenge that is Present
• Does not shy away from challenges, and does not need any time to reflect on whether to take in a difficult challenge or not. If it's in service to others, and it helps the SP4 stand out from the crowd, they will gladly take it on (even if it is not effecient to do so).
• Ironic/ Sacrcastic
• Because the SP4 is internally extremely frustrated, sarcasm, humor, and irony is often employed to be a sort of outlet to manage their anger, and to access a "lightness" that is not often found in them. Subjects can include their own flaws in their character (which the SP4 is intensely aware of), heavy subjects, etc. It is a way to cushion the pain, and to alleviate their internalized negative emotions.
• Sense of Justice
• The SP4 is perpetually frustrated from being unable to enjoy the world around them, and percieves themselves to suffer from a constant injustice (which is almost always internalized). So when they see someone else suffer that injustice, they will see themselves in that individual.
• Spiritual
• Often seeks an alternative method of escaping a life full of pain and sacrifice. Any sort of grander structure (whether it is religious or not) provides the SP4 a means of guaging their path in life, and providing them greater meaning to their day-to-day actions and sacrifices. It is a means of which to cope. However, it can quickly turn negative and turn into a spiral, which has the SP4 strive to attain a superficial holiness to make their existence worth living (which only leads to more pain and suffering long-term). 

Personal Reactions, Stories, and Anecdotes (Chapter Four)

    Since the passion and fixation of the Self-Preservation E4 is tenacity and self-lack, I was not too suprised about some of these characteristics showing up in this chapter. So instead, I guess I'll just talk about some of the things that I don't often see in SP4 descriptions (at least, in my experience). The first I would like to mention is the characteristic of "refinement." I don't know if this falls into some sort of self-care mechanism, but I always like to feel proud of the space I inhabit, and what I own. After I come back home after a long day of work, or a frustrating day in general, once I step inside my apartment, I feel that I can take a deep breath and know that this is me. I enjoy making my enviornment look comfortable, organized, and aethetically pleasing. 

    

    Even at work. When I was a shophand I was known as the "broomslayer," because if I wasn't doing anything else, I would be cleaning. One time I saw a couple of wireliners spit on the ground of my freshly cleaned floors, and I endedup reporting them through a HazardID "as a slipping hazard" (to meet my quota). At my current job, my boss makes fun of me and says I have OCD because of my need for cleanliness and aesthetics. For me, it's not due to any compulsive need to "correct" my enviornment (at least, I sincerely hope so). It goes back to letting my actions speak louder than words. Wherever I work, I want what I do to positively reflect back to me. When I see customers making a mess for no reason, it makes me positively livid. This also goes towards clothing. I enjoy looking put together, and distinguishing myself no matter the work I'm doing, even if it's manual labour. Often times, I would even wear a dress shirt underneath my coveralls to look more put together, maybe telling myself that despite the work I am doing, I am more than that. 

        With movies, I try to have a some collection of boutique blu-rays (mainly Criterion brand) because I'd rather have a small curated collection, then something expansive. With coffee, I'll drink anything, I'm not that picky (I'm certainly no stranger to instant coffee). But if I have the time, I usually find the specific beans that have a specific flavour to them based on their country of origin, blend them together, use a levered espresso machine, and try to make something that I can call mine. Through my actions and what I have, I like to cultivate a unqiue identity that will always be there for me, no matter what the day might bring. 

    Having a difficulty in expressing tenderness is another highlight I want to focus on, because it is the main reason why I type as Third Emotion in psychosophy. I have a very difficult time being emotive. It is not that I don't feel these emotions, because I do, sometimes intensely. But expressing them openly feels like I'm potentially slowly sticking my hand into a bear trap. So often times, I will always try to support how I feel about others through my actions, so I can avoid the super sentimental stuff. It might mean not going along with what everyone else is doing, but to display my care in a different way. My mother was in surgery a couple of weeks ago, and my brother suggested we all go together. I said I would go, but I'll find some time later to do so (claiming I had to run errands). My brother is very noisy, wears his heart on his sleeve, and he can be difficult to be around at times. Then I feel bad that I'm not as outwardly emotional as he is, which is sometimes what I feel is what my mother is looking for. 

    So when my brother wasn't around, I went to the hopsital to be there for my mother when she came out of surgery, but without anyone telling me when to do it. So it was a surprise, and I felt that this method was a lot more meaningful to my mother, who knew that I showed up without "piggybacking" on anyone. Other instances include when someone is venting to me about their problems. I often don't say much, because I don't think just speaking helps people. But what I will often try to do, is make my words count, by summarizing how the person is feeling so they at least feel understood. I find that most people get angry because they want to justify their emotions, so if someone understands them, they usually calm down. But if that person is depending on me to tell them "I love you so much," they aren't getting that from me. It makes me feel incredibly uneasy and uncomfortable.

    The last thing I would like to mention is the characteristic of using irony and sarcasm to mask my displeasure. Like I mentioned before, expressing my emotions plainly feels like I am placing my head under the wheel of a car. This goes for emotions such as anger and annoyance too. However, it can feel sometimes that I am a kettle filled with steam, and that sarcasm is a way to let that out in a way that's not as easily noticeable for others (but provides some relief for me). Like when my grandfather passed away from dementia at 66 years old. The night before I face-timed him and he did not remember who I was; he was a bright spot in my life, and he was one of my favourite people. He died the next morning, which coincedentally happened to be my 19th birthday.  So when people asked how I felt; I would just respond that my Grandfather was just being a dick and deliberatly waited to croak until my birthday, probably to get me back for not visiting him enough. The irony of it all was enough to make me laugh a little. But on my personal time. I remember after all that, I ran some errands, got groceries, etc. But when I got back to my apartment, I remember just sitting on my couch and crying. 

For example, during weekend family dinners that I usually attend, my brother likes to take the center of attention, talk over everyone else, and it's often about topics that are well outside his field of expertise, he has no idea what he is talking about, and his takes are so cold that they belong in the fridge. If you are going to make everything about you, at least make it insightful. I'll often get extremely annoyed, but I'll usually throw in the sarcastic comment every now and then. It's not to piss him off, but it's a coping mechanism for me. 

    Brother: "...I have mixed feelings on war."
    Me: "Now that's a hot take."

    Brother: "You don't have to be a dick about it."

    

Chapter Five: Emotionality and Fantasy

(Levi Ackerman from Attack on Titan. This is a character in which I feel many miss just how emotional Levi is, outside of a simple outside glance. Having felt abandoned at a young age when his father figure Kenny left him without explanation, Levi uses his power/strength in service of others. However, internally Levi is a deeply emotional figure, although his manner of delivering it stunted as a result of his rough upbringing, and he thinks about why is it that Kenny abandoned him despite his strength/power. Levi assumed it must have been something that was defecient in himself, something that made Kenny reject him. Isayama states that Levi thinks about his abandonment often. However, once Erwin recruits him into the scouts, and Levi sees that Erwin can lead humanity into a better future, Levi dedicates his blade and life to serve his purpose.

Many of his major decisions are based on Levi's ability to empathize with those suffering around him. Such of him giving the badge of his deceased friend to a common soldier, letting his best friend rest (avoiding spoilers) over prioritizing the needs of humanity, in his introduction demonstrating his a propensity for staying clean and yet sullies his hands with blood to comfort a dying soldier, saving a civilian that insulted him from being ran over, saving a young thief in Marley that previously robbed him, etc. While Levi does not emote often, his eyes are extremely expressive, and in many scenarios you can see the amount of pain and loss Levi feels, that is subsequentally internalized for him alone to bear. Even Hajime Isayama describes several physical characteristics of Levi were to indicate these tendencies, such as the dark lines under his eyes, "were proof of his sacrifical peformance." Even after losing his eye, and losing the ability to move his legs after fighting, Levi still believes that he is a burden unless he keeps on persevering). 

    The Self-Preservation E4 lives in a fantasy conception of what is going on, akin to viewing characters on screen within a film. Usually it's in the form of a story the SP4 tells themselves to numb their experiences, or to grant their suffering some greater meaning. In some cases, Naranjo states that the SP4 will see themselves as a sort of "warrior," that through fighting will gain the acceptance and love of others once the story concludes. Or they might imagine themselves as being in pursuit of a "better world," imagining themselves as starting anew someplace. In every circumstance, the fantasy involves them sacrificing everything they have (including their lives) for positive benefit.

    The most important aspect though, is that the SP4 will dedicate their fantasies towards serving those they deem admirable, being a part of a "crusade" in which they will help this person, who they believe can change the world. They need to place themselves in battles that "belong to others." This fantasy gives them the will to persevere on through the most difficult of trials. When the SP4 is younger, these fantasies might be in the form of them specifically being the ones to change things, become the hero that saves everyone. But as life goes on, and frustration sets in that their dreams are irrational and will never happen, they dedicate their effort to helping those in the positions to do something. The same fantasy that makes the SP4 believe they are worthless, also tells that through trial, sacrifice and tenacity, they can improve and become something more than themselves. They can fight for some higher ideal; that their sacrifice will be worth something some day, no matter how difficult the present day is.

    To the SP4, the "hero" is someone who can withstand being alone, and does not ask for favours because that creates dependency; so the individual imagines themselves as independent. But it also makes it so the SP4 is always trying to be aware of what the "other" (or the individual they place in the authority-position to judge their own actions) wants or desires, but needs that authority to recognize their sacrifices. However, whenever the individual gets praise, they reject it because of their internal negative critic that constantly demands more tenacity to address their false-lack.

Personal Reactions, Stories and Anecdotes (Chapter Five) 

    I found this chapter to be particularly illuminating, because it highlights one of my biggest and longest standing coping mechanisms. Ever since I was really young, despite the uncertainty of my life's circumstances and complexities, I always seen my life as a story. That my struggles and pain were part of a "hero's journey," that these trials can teach me a lesson, and that I can carry on forward to engage with future challenges. But the whole point of the story was that I could reach a meaningful ending, that would make all of my sacrifices and struggle mean something. If you are somewhat lost, think of it like you are playing some Zelda game, in where each dungeon is a challenge that teaches you a core compenent/skill, etc. Now the dungeon is dangerous, and it will test your endurance/mental strength, and will punish you if you fail. But over time you'll get through, with the knowledge and skill to overcome it. And over time, after enough challenges, you'll be strong enough to face the "final" challenge. Win or lose, I want what I did to have a strong impact, and to hopefully be recognized by others. To make an impact, and to tell others that I had a purpose in existing, and this is what I did with my own life.

    When I was younger, almost since I was in first grade. I would spend my time alone wandering the playground with an action figure, imagining myself as going on this big journey, and using my perseverance to slay a dragon, or to defeat some big enemy to save the lives of innocent people. You know, typical kid stuff. In hindsight I probably looked like a giant dork. But as I got older,  I realized that a lot of life is dissapointing, and you don't have the power to change thing's yourself. Lots of it depends on the right person and/or time, and it might not be you. So as I got older, I want to dedicate my effort to a larger purpose. I remember after dropping out of my teaching degree, I even almost enlisted as a soldier (but changed my mind last minute). But now I am happy with working with a team of people, or under someone who wants to improve things for the better. Then it feels like my effort can mean something positive and significant, and not just get lost in the vaccuum. 

    But underneath it all, it honestly all is just some giant coping mechanism. The view that my life is a part of grand overarching narrative makes day-to-day suffering a lot more palatable. Here, you can treat it as a sort of investment. It can also lead to a sort of arrogance, and irrational decision making. When I nearly joined the Canadian Armed Forces, it took me recognizing (and this was before enneagram) that my decision to join was purely fueled to throw myself into battle to prove myself. And what would it accomplish, really? I would be serving as an officer, in charge of men. People who counted on me. Would it be far to them, to have a commanding officer that just wanted to be a hero, or to be seen as special? I believed (and I still do) it was the wrong reason to want to enlist, so I changed my mind. I eventually went back to university to finish a degree in another field. But that's the sort of danger this framing of your own life can bring to. 

    So while it can be a driving force behind my tenacity, the imagination can also lead you to making stupid decisions. So now I try to frame my decisions to take into my account my need for a sense of "forward momentum" and meaning, but in smaller less, physically threatening ways. Maybe working in a support tole in law enforcement, law, etc; in a regular 9-5 can have me working for a positive end-goal, but keeping an eye on my physical health and well-being. But who knows.

Chapter Six: Childhood

    

   

    

    According to Naranjo, the most common case for an SP4 is having a distant mother. Someone who is physically there, but there attention is directed elsewhere. This does not have to do with involving bad intent on the part of the mother (although it certainly can), but it can be due to stress, other commitments, illness, etc. The child notices this, and believes that this lack of attention is based on a core defeciency. They think of all the potential reasons the parent does not want to associate with them, and introjects those qualities into their psyche. The negative qualities become part of the child, and all that is left is an idolization of the mother. She becomes an ideal that the child must obtain the recognition of, in spite of their percieved defects. The SP4 might not realize that their mother is only human, and accept both their positive and negative qualities until later on in life, with personal-development, and when the SP4 stops introjecting. Until then, the individual and there mother might even "fuse," with seperation from the mother being recieved extremely poorly on the part of the child. 

    The second wound occurs in the emotional core of the Self-Preservation E4. This wound festers with anger and vengeance, at the world for not recognizing them, and at themselves for not being good enough to be loved/accepted. This internal rage will often not appear on the surface, in fear of a negative emotional reaction from others (because it would be a display of vulnerability, and therefore, dependency). Outward appearances might suggest someone who is calm, content with their lot in life, and might be quick to tell others they are okay. However, this does not match how they feel internally. This conflict between the two sides of the SP4 will lead to a lack of communication, expression, and ultimately, restrained frustration. 

    In summary, the relationship between the SP4 and their parents is going to be one of unrecognized/ unexpressed anger, resentment, effort, struggle and demand, all in an effort trying to be recognized and loved by their parental figures. One of the mechanisms the SP4 will use to bond with their parents is suffering. From an early age, the individual is going to be increasingly aware of the parent's anguish, and will use their understanding of the parent's suffering to increase their bond with them. The child will greatly value the attention they recieve when the parent "unloads" their struggles onto them, and is vulnerable with them. To better serve the needs of the parent(s), the child will then diminish their own needs in order to counteract and address the suffering of the parent. This has the unfortunate side of the child utilizing the wrong means to get the love and affection of their parents. 

    In some cases, the father of the SP4 is able to bond with the child, but is ultimately unable to prevent the situation from getting worse, or changing it for the better. In others, the father can be a tyrannical presence, who is also unable to offer the SP4 child stability, either from being sadistic, to being just outright absent. But despite these differences, in most cases there is a severe disconnect between the mother and father of the SP4. The mother is the one who usually looks at the father disaprovingly, and the children are almost always brought into the disupute in some way, with the SP4 often becoming a sort of mediator between the two. Because of all these factors, the SP4 child will develop/mature rather quickly, as they have a need to address the suffering of their parents. They will often "skip" their chilldhood, or grow out of their childhood naivite early because they are aware of the anguish and suffering that is commonplace in their enviornments. They will suppress their emotional/bodily functions in order to be of better service to their family, and hopefully will secure their love and effection from them as a result. In comparison to other children, the SP4 child will appear older than their age, quiet, cold, and distant. 

Personal Reactions, Stories, and Anecdotes (Chapter 6)

    This chapter was probably one of the most iluminating for me. I'll go into detail on my childhood and past experiences, so I apologize if this gets a bit long. But I think it helps me (or whoever is reading this) to see the similarities that are present in Naranjo's writings. 

    So I guess to start, I was born in 1998 as the eldest child, and my parents divorced when I was three. My mother worked as a teacher's assistant for special needs children, and my father... preferred to work in other areas that were outside of the law, but his "day job" was being a welder. My mother's family were cold and distant. My father's family were Metis, and came from a more impoverished background. My grandfather lost one his children, which sent him into an alcoholic depression. He developed severe agoraphobia and didn't leave his home and neighborhood for 30 years. I remained close with my grandmother (father's mother), but outside of that, my family was effectively on our own. We didn't have anything in the way of familial support.  My father was excommunicated because he would rip off family members financially, and my mother was adopted, with her adoptive family being distant, and her birth family further excommunicating her because she divorced my father, and thought she deserved to go to hell for the sin. Fuck them, we don't need them. 

    My younger brother was born shortly after me in 1999, and after the split, it was just me, my mother and my brother for as long as I could remember. That was fine by me. These were the two people I cared about most in the world. 

    I remember growing up, I was incredibly attached to my mother. It is hard to describe, but she was the one bright spot in my life. I saw her as everything that I wasn't, and she was the source of stability for me. 

    I was very attuned to her emotionally. If she felt off, I could tell. If she cried, I likely cried soon afterwards. But when my younger brother was diagnosed with autism, and was non-verbal, my already stressed mother became busy attending to his needs. Even when I was younger, I always felt like the third wheel. The story was between my mother and getting my younger brother to a point where he could live a normal life, and I just happened to be along for the ride. Our financially precarious siuation grew worse over time, and this resulted in me moving to ten different homes by the time I turned 13 years old. But I loved my mother, and appreciated all that she did. But internally, I guess I felt a lot of resentment that went underneath the surface. I remember one time during a drive decades later, my mother apologized to me out of nowhere, and she felt regret for not paying enough attention. Until that moment, I never really considered that she was guilty of anything wrong. But then those feelings came flooding back. 

    After the divorce, I found that my father effectively became a ghost, that would only come occassionally to haunt our home. He was a terrifying presence to me as a child. Like some sort of force that was to be avoided at all costs. When I was younger, my father was a very angry man. He would often take loans from gangs such as the Hell's Angels, and have no intention of paying them back. So our house would get threatening phone calls (luckily none of which I specifically never picked up, but my mother did), and we were sometimes tailed home by gang members. They never did anything, but it was pretty obvious they wanted to be found. It was about a message, telling my family that they could do something if they wanted to. 

    In addition, my father was also violent. So whenever he would suddenly show up to my house and sleep on the couch, I was scared out of my mind. The tiniest slight would set him off, and well... it wouldn't be pretty. So often times, if he came over I would just go to my room and kept quiet. If he talks to you, simply nod. If he tells you to do something, even if it makes you upset, you do it. And whenever we did hang out on mutual terms, he would just drop me off at my grandmother's house after about a couple hours and take off for the rest of the day. I guess he just got tired of me. My mother would say that if I watched my home videos with me as a baby, I would be crying and all he would do is point the camera at me, laugh, and maybe go to talk with his "connections" over the internet (when the internet was still a new thing in the 1990s). So I think he was more interested in the novelty of having a kid, over raising one himself. 

    I remember recognizing that my father valued strength, and power. He would tell me that "the system is rigged" and would give me these "life lessons" on how to survive. He saw that crime and gangs were not inherently wrong, but they were just not playing by the establishment's rules. He did not have a sense of what is right and wrong, but only how to win. As a kid, I was always thinking in the back of my mind about how me and my family could be used a leverage, if say, Hell's Angels members decided to collect, or another rival gang (such as the Red Scorpions, Brother's Keepers, Independent Soldiers and/or United Nations) decided to target us.  The Lower Mainland had it's fair share of crime activity, and you didn't have to look far to find trouble. I remember even at a convenience store 10-15 minutes from where we lived, there was a body discovered that was chopped into pieces and scattered across the shop and yard. On the news, there would be news that entire apartment complexes would get shot up in gunfights.  I didn't know what my Dad did, but I knew for a fact that he was involved with that crowd. Some of his "friends" he would meet with me would be people who would play with loaded hangduns, some guy from Greece that would give my father loans to run businesses (when my father had no management experience), etc. Later on in my life, my suspicions were confirmed when my father admitted things to me, including stories of being driven around by gang-members blindfolded, where they would drive in circles to be certain my father could not retrace his steps. He said he did it all simply for the thrill. Our family's safety, the well-being of his children, didn't matter to him. 

But growing up I never complained, that's just the hand that life dealt me, and it was job to deal with it. After reading Naranjo though, it became clear that I didn't complain, and tried to act tough because I wanted my father to acknowledge me. It seemed like I was just a toy he would pick up when it was convenient for him, or if he wanted to "play house." But whenever I did think things would change, he would just evaporate into thin air again. I might catch glimpses of his car circle around my school to keep an eye on me (an activity he admitted he did), or he might show up to take me out for a slushie for an hour, but that was it. Growing up I saw all these other kids talking about their fathers, and how much they knew about them, loved them, etc. But if someone asked me, I didn't know that much about my father. The feeling made me more lonely, and it made it harder for me to connect to kids my age. 

    Maybe my Dad didn't talk to me often because he didn't think he was a good Dad? Maybe he was trying to keep me safe? Or maybe he just saw me as some dissapointment, maybe it's as he said, he might have had a far harder upbringing than me, and he saw me as weak. Whatever the case was, I remember thinking about that a lot growing up. Despite 50% of my father's blood in me, I could not feel further disconnected from the man. 

    My home life because of our financial precariousness was uncertain to say the least. There were a few instances where my mother, brother and I got evicted, and a solid week in 7th grade I had to spend the night at my kindergarten teacher's home (not exactly where I thought I would end up), and squat in someone else's family home while they were out on vacation. It was tough, and whenever I saw classmates that had perfectly normal lives, parents that were involved in their lives, and were happy; I remember just feeling ripped off. Like I was dealt a bad hand by life and all I could do was just do the best I can. I saw how hard my mother was working, and complaining was not going to improve our situations, and I was afraid of being accused of being "ungrateful." My father particularly liked to bring up his own childhood in order to demonstrate that "I had it easy." Or he would mention that my grandmother was nearly drowned by her own mother as a child after a PTSD-ridden attack because of her mother's experience in a residential school. Or that my grandfather spent the early years of his life in a sanatorium for tuberculosis patients.

     So in summary, complaining had a undesired effect.What was the point? How does it help anyone, or myself? I didn't have the right to complain. 

    Eventually my mother started seeing reconnecting with one of her old classmates from another province, and I remember I was left alone with my brother, with our father supposedly looking after us over Christmas. 

    Well, he essentially left me (12 years old) and my little brother home alone for a week. Only coming home to make sure we were fed, and then he would take off again. It became clear that my Dad could give less than two fucks about me, and I had no idea why he never wanted me around. I think a part of me wanted his affection, and to feel like I had a real Dad in my life. You know, the standard relationship I saw every one of my other classmates have. 

    My mother eventually remarried, and I was faced with the choice of staying with my mother and father. 

    Well, in actuality my father pulled us over during a drive, and made us make the choice to choose him or my mother. 

    The choice was easy, but still painful. I had friends at school that I finally grew close to, and I was being asked to leave everything behind again. But I wanted my Mom to be finally happy, so we packed up and left my Dad. I wish I could say life got easier, but it didn't. It actually got a lot harder for a while, because, well, of course it did.

    Aside from the regular issues of blended families, my stepfather struggled with alcoholism (a fact we didn't know about until we arrived), a short temper, and him and my mother would have screaming matches everytime I came back home from middle/high school. I remember lots of nights just trying to go to sleep, but I could hear them yelling at each other through the vents, one part of me being ready at any moment to pull my stepfather off my mother if things got violent. It never came to that, but that stress was enormous. It made me miserable to come home everyday, and school was my only safe place. But I kept this part of my life a secret from everyone. I was afraid if someone would think I was some sort of basket-case that needed rescuing. The thought of that alone pissed me off. Being thought of as a defencelss victim was worse than anything that could happen in my life. I was strong, and only because I was strong is that I made it this far. I might be battered, but I'm still alive and kicking. Nobody, gets to tell me that I wasn't.

    Eventually I graduated from high school on the honour roll. My hard work paid off, but I didn't really feel any sort of fulfillment. I remember working towards this moment for so long, but it just felt like I needed to get to work on completeing my college degree (which was teaching at the time). I recieved a scholarship that totalled around $2,200.00 CAD, which would help me immensely since I was just holding a part time job at the time. I ended up telling my father, as a way to make him feel included in my life, and to reconstruct the divide between us (and to start fresh), but then he immediately asked for the scholarship money as an 'investment" (it was obviously to pay off loan sharks). 

    A part of me felt so deeply angry and resentful, that no matter what I did for my father, or how much I stomached and forgave, it was never enough for him to respect me, or to treat me as a son. There was a few moments where I wanted to go down there and cripple him physically myself. But now I know, (after reflection and reading Naranjo) I also craved that love and affection, and I wanted him to recognize me. So I loaned him the money, and well, he didn't pay me back. When I finally snapped, he called me an "asshole." That negative reaction was enough to cut him off, and I didn't speak with him for two years. 

    My mother heard about the entire thing. She then asked me if I could not tell anyone about this, and that she did not want my stepfather to find out, and for her to deal with the drama. Me and my stepfather grew closer over the years, and I deseperately wanted to confide in him, to get the persepctive of a fathe figure in my life. Inwardly, I thought my Mom's request was immensely selfish. But I agreed anyways, because I wanted her to be happy. And well, I handled everything else on my own anyways, I could handle this, right? So I held in that anger and resentment. 

    I remember getting very short-tempered with my little brother, who would complain about how our father "vents to him about me" and I every time my brother complains, I want to stomp on him. When my mother would complain about her parents, while I would empathize, I would feel like the punchline at the end of a cruel joke. Like, why does everyone else have the freedom to lay out their problems and people accept them, whereas with me, nobody wants to hear it. 

    But I guess that's the internal frustration right? 

    I'll leave that there, because that basically covers the portion of my life up until I graduated high school (0-18 years old). But yeah, I was not in a good spot at that point. I felt like nobody cared about me, and seeing everyone else happy at work would just leave me perpetually pissed off. That's when I almost decided to join the Canadian Armed Forces as an officer, because tenacity and overcoming challenges is how I saw value in myself. But that's not real love, and I think a part of me recognized that, and that's why I changed my mind. I'm 27 years old now, and I think I've changed for the better since then. I actually have an upcoming interview to work as an accounting assistant at a respected law firm in my city, so things might be looking up at last. 

    

Chapter Seven: Person and Shadow 

    As with any enneagram subtype, there is a darker element to the Self-Preservation E4 that might be more difficult to notice without therapy. However, these traits and an important element as to why they interact with the people the way that they do. The SP4 has an idealized version of themselves that is far away in the future, but their current "self" is defecient and lacking. The goal of the SP4 is to reach that future version of themselves in an effort to finally recieve the love and affection they want, and they do this by feeling special and standing apart from others. This is acheieved through tenacity, not allowing themselves to complain, and suppressing their needs in an effort to best serve the ones they seek affection/recognition from.

    As a result, the SP4 is going to get annoyed by people who complain. Not because it's ineffecient, but because the SP4 finds that there is a particular injustice, that others get to voice their complaints openly, whereas the Self-Preservayion E4 feels that they are not recognized if they don't act strong in the face of adversity. Specifically, it feels like an insult to their inner child, who felt rejected. In short, the SP4 will feel a sense of longing for, and desprive themselves of their objects of envy. They will look at people who have that same object of envy with disdain and contempt, feeling that they did not earn the right to have those things, while the SP4 has to be defiant and counter-dependent to achieve its needs. Of course, this is a form of arrogance. The self-preservation E4 does not know those people, nor does it recognize that people don't need to suffer to feel happy. So judging people based on this form crtieria is unfair to both parties.

    As a result, when the SP4 compares itself to people, they are going to feel as if they are the "loser" in most scenarios, having to suffer for things that they see other people "getting easily." Lots of people might get surprised by this, as from a distance, these types might look cold, distant, judgy, and "superior." But in reality, underneath the surface the SP4 is going to be in a state of constant self-judgement. Since childhood, the SP4 took on family problems and learned to bear with great emotional stress, and being useful in alleviating the suffering of their parents was seen as the epitome of value. As such these children will often "skip" through childhood, in an attempt to be useful to their parents, but at the same time neglecting their inner-child. This can be exasperated if the child is placed in uncertain physical and/ore economic circumstances, or if their parent(s) suffer from their own despressive states. This will create more pressure for the SP4 to secure their physical safety, and make them more willing to endure suffering to attain those secure connections. This has an effect off only increasing the internalized resentment the Self-Preservation E4 is going to feel. 

    Because of this repressed resentment, their inability to achieve that longed affection, and their unwillingness to trust others (in a fear of creating that dependency that could hurt them), the SP4 is going to live in a state of melancholy. According to Naranjo, a state of melancholy is when someone looks into the past to see "what could have been," and does this to avoid contact with their own painful emotions, avoid the here-and-now, and refusing to take responsibility for their own life. In addition, the SP4 will not see their submissive part of themselves. The SP4 will have a fantasy perception of themselves as these tough and and persevering people, but they have a submissive side that originates from them wanting to win the approval of their mother, which then extends to anyone they give "the authority" to judge their actions. They have a fear of aggression because it means a potential withdrawal of love and affection. If that conflict occurs and the built-in resentment is too much, it can result in paralysis or an explosion of unrestrained emotion. 

    

Personal Reactions, Stories and Anecdotes (Chapter 7)

    I personally like this chapter, because I find that SP4 stereotypes (as of 2025) often make these types out to be these emotionless soldier types. Not really the case, but I would argue that is the same with any enneagram subtype. But there is an element of conflict-avoidamce that is typically ignored here, and this chapter highlights it. Here, I will maybe try to go into more depth with my relationship with my Mom, but also dig further into my struggles with my early 20s, where I felt my most unhealthy, and where my resentment reached it's peak. 

    So to begin, I'll talk about Mom. During my time in Northern Alberta starting in my teens, my Mom started talking about (in more detail) her struggles with my father, with her parents, the relationship between my stepfather (who struggled with alcoholism), and every bit of drama in her life. On one end, I appreciated being a sort of confidant, because I felt it was my way of helping my mother in way that others could not, in my own way at least. But at the same time, I could tell there was deep building of resentment. I felt increasingly angry, but it felt like there was no outlet for me to vent my frustrations to. If I told my mother that I did not actually want to move away from Vancouver and away from the little connections I did  make, I felt I was just being ungrateful. Because despite my issues with my stepfather, and coming home to a screaming match everyday after school, my family was now in a secure space. We had a home we stayed in for more than a year at a time, I went to the same school for the next four years, etc. I should feel grateful. So why do I feel so angry? Whatever, however I feel, it is my job to keep it to myself. Who does it help if I talk about how I feel anyway? All it is going to do is make people angry, sad, remorseful, and then that's a whole other problem I now have to deal with. 

    But when my Mom told me to keep my struggle with my father a secret from everyone (me giving him my scholarship money to pay off loan sharks) because she didn't want to deal with my stepfather finding out (and understandably getting angry on behalf), how could I not see that as a betrayal? But despite that, there was no way I could get angry at her. I just couldn't. But I remember the sheer anger and resentment I felt became like a poison. My brother also suffered from a mental health crisis, and I did my best to invite him over to my place any time I could to keep him company. When he needed financial help to pay his bills, I helped. I was trying to be a decent brother, despite me not really being the model for one. But once he got a girlfriend, he stopped coming. That's fine. 

    But eventually I just felt more and more lonely, and I could use a friend. I tried to be vulnerable, and told my brother that I was having a hard time, so I asked my brother to hang out, and every time there would be some excuse as to why he couldn't. He was "busy," "tired," had plans, didn't feel like it, etc. When I was spending time in my college dorm room (there was no one else around because of the pandemic), he didn't show up once for an entire year. My brother can have his own life, but it felt like a one-way street. I helped him almost every day to make sure he was taken care of, but when I needed help, I can't rely on anyone. I then remember telling myself, that if my brother ever needed help again, fuck him. He is on his own. 

    Over time, my patience wore thin, I was more annoyed with others, felt like wanting to beat the shit out of someone, etc. It felt like nobody really cared about me, at least only when it was convenient for them. Otherwise, I was on my own. Frankly, I thought good. People just come with bullshit, and I can take care of myself. Even with people involved with my hobbies, such as martial arts, I kept my distance from them. One time there was a fundraiser to raise money for a student's cancer treatment for their parent. The place was designed to be fun, had games, socializing, etc. But I felt out of place there. I find in situations like that, I just feel even worse about myself. So I donated $150, and left when I felt people weren't looking. I didn't want to bring down the mood. 

    But eventually, the resentment became too much. I no longer felt that teaching was the right career choice for me, so I dropped out in the beginning of my third year. When I was working (at the time as a shop-hand), I would just feel angry 24/7. My whole body felt like it was put in a pressurized container, I would sometimes dig my keys into my hand to keep my mind from punching the next person I saw. At work, if someone slighted me, I would sometimes go to the back room and kick a locker. Pursuing martial arts felt like a right decision, as it gave me a goal., something to de-stress. But I still felt angry, that my life was meaningless. I needed it to matter, in some way. If people here won't recognize me, then I'll just to commit myself to something new. Maybe if I joined the army as an officer, I could pay for my university degree, and hopefully contribute to a cause. 

    That was probably one of the darker periods of my life. Not because I did anything wrong, or hurt someone. But the fact that I was going to potentially throw away my life, and hurt people just because I felt angry. That I was wanting to lead people, when me myself had no right to do so. What sort of person does that make me? Is that any sort of person worth following, or worth remembering? If I get blown up in some warzone in the middle of nowhere, what would it have been for? I thought about it for a couple of years. I cut off communication with my Dad, not a single one of my friends showed up at my place for two years (so I gave up), my younger brother left me alone when I needed his help, my mother wants me to keep silent about my struggles; I don't have anything left for me here. Even when it comes to making new connections, I have to keep a certain amount of distance. 

    Of course, I chose to stay. I'll get more into those reasons in subsequent chapters. It just felt like my job as a human being was just take on the burden's of others. I have to hear people whining and complaining, and it's my job to deal with. But no matter what, it feels like that cabin I mentioned in the first chapter. Where I could just peer in through the window, but never be able to join the others having dinner together as a family. If my life always going to be like this? 

Chapter 8: Love

    Unlike the Sexual E4, the SP4 is not on active search for love itself. The former is a lot more direct, and competitive in getting what it wants, whereas the SP4 is far more indirect, and seeks to demonstrate and recieve their love through acts of service (employing the use of tenacity). However, as a result of this indirect nature, the SP4 can spend long periods of time alone, wishing for the perfect partner that will give them everything they seek and long for (love and attention). Of course, this is an ideal; fantasy. It is never going to be perfect, so that search is going to go on forever. 

    This is specifically a fantasy, because the partner is going to be a human being with their own wants and needs, and therefore, that partner is not going to give them permanent support. The SP4 wants a total and constant love in order to fill that constant lack in their lives, but looking for that source in others is never going to fix the problem, because the lack comes from the self. It comes from within. To make things more difficult, the SP4 will have difficulty accepting love that comes his way. This comes from a few different sources: the internal self-critic, and distrust of others. The distrust stems from their relationship with their parents, who the SP4 believes did not love them enough and has a large amount of resentment towards. Someone who comes into the life of the SP4 and claims to "love them?" Why would I accept that? Allowing that makes me only more dependent on you, and you can let me down. A common quote of the SP4 is often "I'm better off on my own." 

    Naranjo states that when someone admits their love of the SP4, that love is automatically invalidated. The SP4 holds a specific fantasy and ideal about the perfect partner, and will often think about what he/she lacks. However, instead of being an insult to their partner (which it very well also is), the SP4 uses this tactic to avoid the vulnerability and risk of committing to a relationship, and being dependant on another.  

    

Personal Reactions, Stories, Anecdotes (Chapter 8)

    Sorry for anyone who is wondering about my love life, because bluntly, I don't have one. I'm 27 years old, and to this day I'm a voluntary bachelor. It never felt "right" to drag someone else into my problems, and I always felt that I needed to improve myself, and my life before I had any right to being a good person for another. I have been asked out a lot of times, but every time someones asks me out, I get this sickening feeling in my stomach. It's not what people call "butterflies," but it feels like someone stabbed me and is twisting the knife. My immediate thoughts are often "why do you like someone like me?" Or I think about some romantic setting where the girl asks about me, and she thinks I'm a lost cause. Or, I just feel that I'm not possibly good enough to warrant being liked, and I get suspicious. I get ideas like "she probably only likes me for some superficial reason." Or "she is going to expect me to be super lovey-dovey and I'm going to be the furthest thing from that." 

    If my family ever asks me about why I turned a person down, I'll usually say "it's none of your business," but if I give an explanation, it's usually just "I'm too busy for a girlfriend right now," or "I want to be in a better spot before I get into a committed relationship with someone" if I want to sound fancy. But of course, I've been saying that since I was 14-15 years old. Even to this day, when I found a note left in my textbook (when I was finishing my online degree) that said "I was cute" and had a girl's phone number attached, the whole thing just made me super uncomfortable and sick. It's not the girl's fault, it is entirely my own. And whenever a girl asks me out, I do my best to tell that "I appreciate the offer, but I'm too busy for a girlfriend at the moment." Or I'll get home and say, "they'll find someone better than me. I'm not their type." 

    Personally, the idea of someone coming into my life, and becoming aware of everything that I usually keep private is a foreign concept to me. I know I need to cross that bridge at sometime in my life, but I don't feel comfortable letting my independence getting affected by someone else. It's not that I don't want a relationship. Because to be honest, I do. But it feels like I'm in a constant process of just trying to protect myself. I'm a very goal driven person, and I want my life to move at a forward momentum, and I don't want someone stopping that. I don't want to have to choose, and I feel like that I have given up a lot already to be in put in that position. 

    So yeah, people can make fun of me all they want. In high school, their were rumors that were going around that I was "gay" because I turned down every girl who asked me out. I get it. I might end up being some single 30-year old man. That's fine. Because at least to me, I feel independent. I can make my own choices, I can live where I want, and do what I want. And I don't have to deal with anyone else. But there is a big part of me that also wants to have a quieter life with someone, maybe one in where I can make coffee for them in the morings. Something dorky like that. But that feels like it's a far off dream in the future. So while I feel independent, I also feel alone. 

    

Chapter 12: Transformation Process and Therapeutic Considerations

    The Self-Preservation E4 uses tenacity and the repression of emotionality, to persevere through pain, doubt and suffering, and it offers them a sense of control in the midst of being potentially overwhelmed by life. However, it creates a massive knot of tangled emotions that, after years of repression, were not free to be expressed or experienced in depth. It can exceptionally difficult to untangle this knot, especially since the SP4 has a tendency to "explain away" or intellectualize their emotions, in an effort to devalue and suppress them. These coping mechanisms can only be undone through awareness and practice.

    Naranjo recommends that the main thing the SP4 must do, is to free themselves from the need to repress themselves. If you have an emotional reaction, whether it is joy, anger, sadness, etc; express it. The envy and resentment of the self-preservation E4 is self-directed, so it is important to deliberately focus on that. If you feel something, but don't want to express it, explore why that is. Is it simply because it is not the time or place, or is it because you want to secure the approval of the people around you, and there is a certain image you wish to project? If it's the latter, that's not a good enough reason to deny yourself the ability to express yourself. The envy and resentment of the SP4 (in comparison to other E4 subtypes) is rejected against, so you need to make yourself aware of your envious tendencies, and to practice self-love. You have a right to exist, and you don't owe anyone anything.

    Naranjo goes into further detail, and highlights the core of why the SP4 uses suffering and tenacity to gain approval. It's the relationship with the parents, and specifically the mother. The first step in breaking this habit, is to seperate your own suffering from that of your parents, set limits/ boundaries, and to finally recognize just how much pain you had to endure in order to secure a connection. This all encourages self-love and compassion towards your inner child, who watches you give everyone else attention but not the child itself. It is the true victim, and through coming to grips and accepting your pain, you finally can begin the healing process. That self-lack is not all of who you are, because whereas everyone is missing something (because nobody is perfect), there is something good in you to. Something that is worth holding onto and cherishing. 

    When it comes to love, earning the recognition of others through tenacity and effort is not love. Naranjo states that love is easier, and can happen without any effort on the part of the people involved in that connection. 

    The fear of being dependent, and "being well" (when their is nothing to push through) are the two biggest fears of the Self-Preservation E4. Dependency comes with a fear of being suffocated, losing access to your vital personal space, and being vulnerable to people close to you (and therefore, being open to attack). The answer to this, is to instead surrender yourself to tenderness, the expression of feelings, your own genuinity and sweetness, as a means to counterbalance your fear of love. You are human, and all people have to depend on each other. And that's okay. Forgive the mistakes you've made, your defencies and see them with compassion, not self-hatred. You have a right to exist, and that right lies seperate of proving your worth to others through effort. If you have feelings, express them. Don't justify them, just recognize them. With practice, you will stop burying and repressing your needs, Be who you are without fear of being not special. 

    Naranjo states that, "The E4 conservation is not always aware of his own envy, since recognizing it causes him pain and leads to a greater rejection of himself. But, even when he admits it, he often tries to hide the evidence, because he is afraid that the other person will associate the squalor of that feeling with the whole person. Taking responsibility for true autonomy is not a counter dependence but assuming responsibility for one's own desire, thought, decision and action."

    Value what is real. This ideal of yourself that exists far into the future does not exist, so don't punish yourself for something that does not even exist. If you need something, that is okay. You can say how you feel without fear of censorship, because everyone has needs. Do not demand to be what you are not. Strive to be natural, and not having to run everything you say through your internal critic. You don't need to make your day-to-day life a fight, a struggle. 

    

    Appreciate when things are slow, and that things just happen. You don't need to be the one to compromise and strive to contribute. Love who you already are, and just let things flow. Appreciate being alive, instead of constantly focusing on achieving this future ideal version of yourself.

    

    Personal Notes, Anecdotes and Stories (Chapter 12)

    So here I will go into detail on the self-work I have done with myself before I was aware of my enneagram subtype, and the work I've done since I've been typed correctly. This sort of spans the period of time between my early 20s to now (I am currently 27 years old). I think this is a really nice way to end off this blog, because just yesterday I had a good interview with a respected law firm, and if I get the job, I can begin the next phase of my life. I'm in a pretty positive mood, so here goes.

    So for most of my early life, I felt emotionally stunted. Even my own mother has called me an "old man," since I was four and I felt like I could not connect with most people my age. Now I know that it has stemmed from a sense of envy and resentment towards those people, and self-hatred, feeling that I couldn't belong with others because of something defecient within myself. So my first order of buisness (and I did this as early as 2020) was trying to open up about myself in small ways. While I didn't feel comfortable opening up around close ones yet, online forums have a degree of detachement and seperation. So I began writing about my experiences and sharing them, and I found that most people didn't think any less of me when I opened up. There was a certain amount of acceptance that I really never felt before, and honestly, it felt pretty nice. 

    But I didn't want it to end there, or just remain strictly online. It's a tool, but a lot of people just spend their entire lives on forums or discord, and that isn't really me. I did make a promise to my mother that I wouldn't talk about my father to the rest of my family. I do my best to keep my promises, even if I disagree with them. So instead, I just found I'm not going to hold back on as many feelings as I did before. If I get annoyed with somebody, then I'm going to get annoyed. If I'm angry, that's how I'm going to act. Hell, even if I'm watching Titanic with someone else and I shed a tear, there is no shame in that. It took quite a bit of practice, but I feel a lot more dynamic and flexible as a person than I used to. I still have some work to do, but I feel like a more well-rounded human being now. I don't feel as tense. Every now and then, I do get slightly jealous of people. But at least I know now that it is coming from a place of resentment, and not actually because the other person did anything wrong. It has allowed to be a lot more patient, and honestly, more compassionate towards myself. If I feel resentment towards somebody, it's only because I didn't recieve the same thing when I was younger. It's okay to feel angry about that, but then let's do something to change that in the day-today. And that starts with me. 

    My relationship with my family has began to feel a lot more natural too. While I love my Mom, I began to realize that she is a human being with flaws. She did make mistakes with me, and that is not my fault. I don't need to introject those faults into me, nor do I need to play cover for her. Now I help her out because I want to, not because I'm doing it to get love and affection. I feel like we are equals now. With my father, essentially fuck him. He made his choice, and he is a adult who is aware of consequences. If he does not see me as a human being, than I have no need to associate with him. If he wants to make amends, that is his decision. But I have the power to not forgive him, or to enforce an appropriate amount of distance between us. I'm not a child anymore. If I'm going to form a connection with anyone, it's to form a meaningful connection, and to address my own needs. I'm not a slave to somebody else. 

    On that note, the one thing I am still struggling with is anything to do with romance. I want a relationship, but just losing that independnce is not something I'm ready to do just yet. But I'm sure with enough work, and meeting the right person (not perfect, just compatible), it will come naturally. No need to rush it, or force something that is not natural. Again, when it decides to happen, it will. Just be ready and accept love when it comes. That's the biggest struggle for me, but with enough self work, I'm sure I'll be ready. 

And that finishes up this blog. This has really helped me get a grasp of my own emotions, and finally recognizing the amount of envy and self-directed resentment I rejected until recently. So thanks for everyone who has helped me finally accept myself.